What is one thing about sex or relationships you wish someone had told you honestly when you were younger? In this Youth Speak, young people break the silence and start the conversation – on love, sex, consent, desire, shame, and truths locked away.
The Silence We Grew Up In
Growing up in Hong Kong, sex was the door no one opened. I wish adults had been willing to walk through it with me, such that most of what I knew didn’t have to come from films, forums or friends.
In Asian families, sex is the conversation that we never had. Young people are left to piece together understanding from fragments. Without guidance, they very often either don’t know how, or know it wrongly.
I had sexual thoughts when I was younger, and I thought something was wrong with me. I didn’t know what to do with them, so I buried them. Nobody ever told me that desire is normal — so when I felt it, all I felt was guilt.
Sex Ed Should Be…
I don’t believe there’s one single set of correct values. But every young person deserves the chance to think through questions around sex — not get waved away with “you’ll know later when you grow up.”
Hong Kong’s sex education is not adequate or effective enough. It does not equip young people with practicalities. We need to move past this, and “no sex before marriage” should not be the only message we send.
Sex education should be an open and safe conversation – one that young people can turn to, ask questions, and not feel judged.
I wanted someone to tell me the truth, with some warmth in it, in a way we could understand. That’s what sex education needed to be.
We only learned about puberty and pregnancy in school. Desire, intimacy, and what happens between two people were almost treated as non-existent. I believe young people are entitled to age-appropriate sex education.
What Sex Is
Many of us grow up hearing sex is either shameful or the ultimate proof of maturity. Rarely does anyone say: sex is a spectrum; your libido naturally fluctuates. Normalising this range earlier would have saved so much anxiety around performance, peer pressure and self-doubt.
Sex is a basic human need and a natural part of life. It can be a good thing between two people who want it, and can bring them closer in their relationship.
I read it somewhere that “sex is neither noble nor shameful. It’s the most primal human instinct, and the most natural expression, within an intimate relationship.” But above all, what I’d add is that all that has to be a free and voluntary choice.
Sex comes with risks and consequences. So young people should know the risks before making decisions for themselves. Don’t rush just to keep up.
What Sex Is Not
Everything we knew about sex came from the wrong places: porn, media, internet. They gave us a distorted picture, and we are left to correct that on our own, by living through it.
If we don’t watch a romcom thinking that’s how love works, why do guys learn about sex from porn? They are perfect performances only because they are staged and scripted.
There’s a porn scene we all know: the girl says no, and the guy thinks she’s just “playing hard to get.” Countless young men have watched and believed it. In real life, if someone says no and you don’t stop immediately, it’s assault!
Sex isn’t always smooth like what’s depicted in movies. It can be clumsy, funny and even awkward. That happens, and that’s not a failure.
Sex is not a competition. Being inexperienced at 20 doesn’t mean you’re behind; having had many partners doesn’t make you “used up.”
Porn is not the norm. You can’t just copy-paste it into your real sex life. It’s like watching a romance drama. We don’t take those plots and expect them to play out in real life. If young people could watch adult content under the guidance or supervision of parents or professionals, like teachers, counsellors, social workers, or health educators, it might actually reduce the negative consequences of kids going online to watch and learn on their own.
Sex isn’t a report card: you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of being liked or respected. A lot of people get anxious wondering, “Am I good enough?” or “Am I too slow, too fast, or not experienced enough?” But the truth is, a solid, long-term intimate relationship is usually built on comfort, trust, and actually being able to talk to each other.
Consent is Continuous
I wish someone had told me that “no” doesn’t have to be one big, dramatic reaction. If someone does make you feel guilty for checking in with yourself or hitting the brakes, they’re showing you exactly who they are, and you should listen to that.
Clarity is protective. It saves you from guessing, over-investing, and getting hurt by mixed signals. If I’d known earlier that I could talk openly, I’d have been able to make so many more healthier choices, so much faster.
Consent isn’t a one-time “yes” or “no.” It can be “I’m not sure” or “I need time.” It’s continuous – it can be withdrawn anytime, even mid-act. You don’t owe anyone anything because things have already started.
Consent isn’t “I don’t hate this,” but “I want this.” A “yes” given out of fear of losing someone or ruining the mood is a quiet “no.” True consent should come from a place of enthusiasm, not obligation.
Consent should be enthusiastic, reversible and free from pressure: you are excited to explore things further together. I used to think that pleasure was physical, but it’s actually deeply tied to feeling safe, heard and respected.
Rejection isn’t a failure or betrayal. It’s just a boundary. But we were never taught how to say “no” to someone we love, or how to hear it without falling apart.
There were a few times where I felt uncomfortable, disconnected or unenthusiastic during sex. I thought there was a problem with me, when the problem really was a lack of honest communication and mutual care.
Public proposals can feel like consent traps. When you feel forced and under pressure to say “yes” in front of a crowd, that isn’t real consent.
Safety and Protection
We know we should use a condom. But not everyone knows we should pinch the tip before putting it on, or that keeping it in your wallet can damage it. These are consequential and should have been taught.
When we talk about risk and prevention, we usually think of safe sex, STIs and STDs. But here’s something I wish I hadn’t learned the hard way: peeing after sex can help prevent UTIs.
All things come with caveats. We need to have a plan for when things go wrong. Say, the condom breaks or slips?
Telling students “just don’t do it before marriage” doesn’t prepare them enough for reality: when they really do it, they won’t even know how to protect themselves properly from pregnancy or infection.
Some adults target young people on purpose. They look for the ones who are emotionally vulnerable and desperate to feel grown up. They manipulate and gaslight, and young people need to know this happens.
Social media has made it so easy for strangers to reach out. Young people don’t always sense that someone has an agenda. They need to know they have a right to say no and draw a firm line on the internet.
Communication in Relationships
Love isn’t a cure-all. For a relationship to work, it takes effective communication, conflict management, mutual respect, and so much more.
Hong Kong moves fast. When things get tense, it’s easy to go into a “cold war.” But it doesn’t solve anything. The conversation worth having is the one to have when you’re calm. Don’t assume your partner will just know.
Relationship and intimacy are not things “you’ll figure out naturally.” You have to learn to talk, say what you need and hear what your partner needs. It’s not just physical, but emotional, in the deepest sense possible.
When things get tense, don’t start with “you always do this.” It’s much better to say, “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together,” or “I wish we could try more of this because it makes me feel closer to you.”
A good intimate relationship should make you feel more like yourself, not like you’re constantly performing for someone’s approval.
What you feel isn’t always what you think it is. What feels like desire could be a need to be seen, a fear of being left out, or an escape from loneliness. When you can tell the difference, you can protect yourself better from pain.
Without the right guidance, it’s so easy for young people to mistake what they see online for real-world standards, which just leads to unnecessary anxiety about their own bodies or their partner’s performance. I wish someone had stepped in sooner to break down those illusions—to tell me that real intimacy is built on communication, vulnerability, and mutual understanding, not just visual or sensory satisfaction.
Real intimacy is actually about feeling safe enough to stop, pivot, or just talk about what’s happening without the fear of disappointing the other person.
Communication is way more important than technique. A lot of people think sex ed is just about “how to do it,” but actually, knowing “how to talk about it” is the real key to making both people feel safe and comfortable.
You deserve to be respected and treated with kindness.
Values and Identity
I wish somebody had told me about how to build up my own personal values. When a long-term relationship ends, it’s so easy to feel like you’ve lost your value. I had a hard time learning how to take care of myself after a breakup, rebuild myself and refind my own worth.
The most important thing is to accept all of yourself. Everybody is unique. Nobody should ever be made anxious by a standard that was never meant for them, or hurt themselves just to become somebody’s version of beautiful.
Sex isn’t a proof of love. Intimacy isn’t something you trade for affection. It should be built on trust, honesty, and willingness to show up for each other.
Maybe if I’d known earlier, I wouldn’t have had to learn everything through confusion and heartbreak. Maybe I would’ve been better at protecting myself, at saying no, at knowing where I ended and I could begin again.
For a long time, I believed that if I had a boyfriend, I had a duty to satisfy his sexual needs. I only realised later that my body is mine; I don’t need to please anyone or worry that I’ll disappoint. That’s a lesson I wish I’d learned earlier.
Harassment and Assault
We need to talk about how harassment often comes from people we know and consider friends. In my school, it’s hard to report it because guys often brush it off. But we have to start holding them accountable when they act inappropriately towards girls.
When harassment happens, most people go blank. And the perpetrator can walk away without consequence, without apology. We need to let victims know who they can turn to and how to stand up for themselves, so they don’t need to face trauma alone.
Diversity and Plurality
I’m gay, and my parents are against it. I don’t know where to look, who to ask or whether anyone out there understands what I’m going through now. I just wish that someone, somewhere would affirm me that my identity is not a problem to be solved.
I was raised religiously to believe that sex is shameful and sinful, and now identify as asexual. I carry a terrible memory from childhood: I masturbated in public because no one ever explained it to me. If anyone had been honest, that memory wouldn’t exist. ■