by Stella Chen
Stella discusses how reality shows teach us the art of communication and love.
I have a confession to make. Some people embellish their weekends, claiming they went hiking or hit the gym, when, in reality, they stayed home binge-watching an entire season of K-drama. Well, I’m one of those people, but my guilty pleasure is not indulging in K-dramas, but dating reality shows.
Not to sound defensive, but I know I’m certainly not alone. Many friends are avid followers of dating reality shows, from Korea’s and China’s “Heart Signal,” where singles express interest through body language while living together for a month, to more explicit Western shows like “Love Island,” where participants swap partners in search of true love. Whenever a new episode drops, it sparks heated discussions online, filled with debates and speculations about the cast’s romantic connections.
Modern dating reality shows come in a variety of formats. Some viewers enjoy light-hearted ones where cast members mingle and explore potential romantic connections; some love dramatic storylines filled with love triangles and tension; some prefer more serious marriage reality shows of couples confronting their relationship problems.
It is encouraging to see the landscape of dating reality shows becoming more diverse, incorporating a variety of communities, including individuals on the spectrum, members of the queer community, and couples facing divorce. However, apart from killing time, the underlying value of these shows, especially for Chinese audiences like myself, remains consistent: they teach us about the art of communication in real relationships.
As you might know, Chinese dating customs and expectations often diverge significantly from Western norms, where two people openly express their feelings from the “seeing each other” stage. Despite the widespread use of dating apps and the increasingly progressive attitudes toward romance on social media, many still find it challenging to effectively communicate their needs, thoughts, and expectations in romantic relationships.
Why? The culprit lies in the highly stereotyped romantic narratives ingrained in Asian popular culture. Growing up, many of us were immersed in soap operas where protagonists harboured secret crushes, only confessing their feelings at the very end of the story, after navigating a series of obstacles and dramatic twists. This delayed confession was portrayed as the ultimate happy ending. In these narratives, emotions are rarely expressed until the climactic moment of confession, which is seen as the official start of a relationship.
Unfortunately, just as the relationship reaches the point where open communication could begin, the story concludes. This leaves us to imagine the couple living in a perfect, conflict-free “happily ever after,” with no room for arguments, misunderstandings, or the real-life challenges that relationships inevitably face.
Relationships require much more than just an effortless glance at the moon.
We have no idea about the conflicts and the “ugly” side of a relationship, so it’s only natural that we struggle in relationships when confronted by “real life” and seek answers from reality shows.
Moreover, the life trajectory of young Chinese is often focused on achieving good grades, minimising distractions from dating at school, and gaining admission to a prestigious university. Once they graduate and land their first job, they are expected to have a stable partner and then be ready for marriage.
Behind this seemingly perfect life plan, what they don’t know is that marriage and relationships, just like achieving a perfect GPA and climbing the corporate ladder, require accumulated learning skills and reflections. These are developed through communication, conflict, moments of frustration, tears, and the processes of learning and unlearning from each situation.
Although reality shows primarily serve commercial purposes and raise questions about the authenticity of their cast, some still offer valuable lessons about the complexity of romance and the importance of effective communication. Watching two cast members reconcile after a fight may prompt viewers to reflect on their own communication styles and grow their empathy and understanding of relationships.
There is an old song from the 70s by Teresa Teng, “The Moon Represents My Heart,” which I adore and continues to resonate with Chinese audiences today. The lyrics reflect the ideal of romantic love in Chinese culture, suggesting that the moon embodies the depth of one’s affection, and evoking the feelings of a solitary lover reflecting on their emotions in an inward and subtle way.
Given how complicated relationships really are, maybe we could look anew at dating shows. Instead of dismissing them as another reality TV bubble created by profit-seeking mass media production teams, perhaps we can actually see the hype around dating shows as a harsh reality check that relationships require much more than just an effortless glance at the moon. ■
Stella Chen is a freelance writer and educator passionate about exploring diverse cultural landscapes. With an academic journey that spans from the UK to Hong Kong, she explores the vibrant realms of pop culture, gender, and relationships. When she’s not on the hunt for the next cozy cat café or a friendly stray to cuddle, you can find her immersed on her couch, conquering her favourite video games.